From Children to Teenagers

Teenagers who fill their days and evenings with millions of words of prattle and nonsense with their friends develop an almost monastic economy of words with their parents. One wonders if there is so much wickedness in their days and naughtiness in their thoughts that they become scared to speak, in case they confess.

Who took the nice out of my teenager?

Pre-Prep to Year 2 pick up:

“Hello darling, did you have a nice day?”

“Yes, it was so much fun.”

“What interesting things did you do?”

“I got all the way across the monkey bars, and we learned a new song in Mandarin, and I got on a gold face, and Jeremy fell over on the grass and got mud all over him. It was so funny”

Year 9 to 12 pick up:

“Hello (softly – darling), did you have a nice day?”

“Orright”

“What interesting things did you do?”

“Nuthin much”

(desperate) “You must have done something?”

“Just stuff” (dismissively) and head into phone screen

Do you ever worry that you are the only mother whose teenager won’t talk to her? Or that you are such a bad father that your teen has no interest in you?

If you do, don’t panic, you are normal. Things may never be what they were when the grunter and huffer was all bubbly and chatty, but they will almost certainly get much better by the time they reach the 2s again (as in 20, 21, 22, etc.)

Historically it has always been true. Teenagers who fill their days and evenings with millions of words of prattle and nonsense with their friends develop an almost monastic economy of words with their parents. One wonders if there is so much wickedness in their days and naughtiness in their thoughts that they become scared to speak, in case they confess.

In order to survive through this, and retain sanity, parents must cleanse themselves of expectations of reciprocity and place their faith in the power of intent. In simpler terms, keep asking the questions but don’t be too concerned in the answers or their absence. You don’t really want to know what the child did, you just want the child to know you are interested and care.

Teens don’t want to talk to their parents but (while they would never confess this) they like to know their parents want to talk to them. The interest, curiosity and persistence is a powerful force in making the teen feel accepted, wanted and confident. We’re the grown ups, we don’t need the affirmation of a reply, but our children certainly need the affirmation of our questions.

All we need to do is have our own pre-prepared response list (“that’s nice”, “really”, “maybe it will be better tomorrow”) and a keen ear for when the teen goes off-script to test if we’re really listening!

The best illustration of this ever is in Pete Denahy’s song Sorta Dunno Nuthin, enjoy the video at the link.

Oh, by the way, with the rapid social change in our world the teen years arrive WELL BEFORE the 13th birthday, this may explain your nine year old.