Happy? Not? Let’s See Why ...

Adventure, power, tranquillity, excitement, stuff and celebrity are what people commonly seek, when what they are actually looking for is happiness. You can certainly experience something like happiness during those pursuits, but the difference is that genuine happiness persists when the laughter has died, and the buzz has gone.

Sadly, real happiness is not found in those common ambitions. We all know of people who have tasted the peak of each of them, maybe all of them, but have still not found happiness.

Happiness, the kind that is buried so deep in us it cannot be crushed, is found in our relationships. Whether you are one who thrives in the company of many or is only truly comfortable with the few you deeply love, it is those relationships that most determine your sense of happiness.

The good news is that strong relationships can maintain an inner sense of wellbeing from happiness without much effort. You don’t have to do stuff or have stuff, you just have to know stuff about each other - that you care, that you love, that you admire – and the relationship quietly does its happiness thing.

The bad news is that because relationships are so powerful, breaks and disappointments quickly steal happiness. It is why the effort to maintain them provides such powerful returns.

This is particularly important as we live life in relative isolation. When you bunch any group of people up in an unusual way, in a short period of time small annoyances become giant frustrations.

The cute constant chatter of your little sister becomes a whining roar in your head. The glibness and cheekiness of your teenage son becomes a message to your brain that he is irresponsible and disrespectful. The economy with language of your husband (the five word sentences and four sentence conversations) becomes more agitating every day as your thinking grows to interpret it as showing that he is disinterested, or dumb, or both. And the mother, who is constantly busy tweaking the edges to ensure the family and home runs efficiently and with warmth, starts to be seen by all she loves as interfering and irritating. (Please excuse the stereotypes. If I’d take the time to cover all of the possible variations this would have been a very long article – feel free to plug in your own scenarios.)

Avoiding this is not hard, or even that difficult. It begins firstly by recognising that in a crisis the negative comes easily, the positive requires effort. And secondly that you do not address the negatives by targeting them, you do it by undermining them with the positives.

Decide to play a positive role in your family, act on that decision, and the power of your relationships will generate happiness and act as a psychological sanitiser that kills the negative virus.

Commit to saying “please” and “thank you” often; seek opportunities to affirm and praise regularly.

Laugh at jokes, even silly ones, and take five deep breaths before you snap at anything.

Choose to do at least one kind, unnecessary thing each day, and to unquestioningly forgive at least two slights.

Before you go to sleep identify the three or four things you fell short with during the day; before you leave your bed in the morning think about something you especially love about each of those whom you love.

And, whatever you do, keep in mind that in a relationship the only person you can change is yourself.