The Greatest Crime is the Crime of Unforgiveness

We are approaching Father’s Day, and planning the gatherings is now front of mind. Whose house? Which park or beach? Who to see when? and What presents do we buy? are questions that dominate our thoughts, if not our conversations.

Added to that in 2020 we must consider social distancing and also whether it is worth trying to Zoom ageing grandparents and parents who have both hearing and technological deficiencies. (“What did you say dear?”, “Dad, move in front of the camera”, “Who’s that in the background?”, “the camera is on the other side” and other delightful distractions).

Then there is the big one: which parts of the family can be together without uncapping the bottled-up resentments and memories of hurtful deeds and words. Sadly, this is often a consideration for all the major events – Mother’s and Father’s Day, Christmas and Easter. What should be the happiest of occasions end up being planned as carefully as tiptoeing through a minefield, and the charge in nearly every mine is unforgiveness.

I was watching “Elementary” last night (yes, I am a most unsophisticated Chaplain) and I was struck by this piece of dialogue between Holmes and his sponsor, Alfredo. They are discussing Holmes’s estranged brother, Mycroft:

Holmes: “You know, it's hard to pinpoint the exact moment that my resentment towards my brother began. But if I had to bet, I'd say sometime in the days or weeks following my birth. He has this tremendous capacity for joy, and I just...he has wronged me. But I, I will, I will forgive him.

Alfredo: And then?

Holmes: Well, then perhaps he'll forgive me. And then I'll have my brother back.”

It is easy to dismiss this as fanciful, a powerfully emotive tool in cinema that will not work in life; but is it? Can it be possible for one party in a fractured relationship to begin the healing by offering forgiveness?

God thinks so, in fact this is the Gospel message. (Humans have offended God but) “God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, so that whoever believes in Him should not perish but should have eternal life”. (John 3:16).

It has also been said that “the greatest crime is the crime of unforgiveness”, and when we understand the pain that unforgiveness perpetuates the quote rings even more true.

The great poet Alexander Pope wrote in 1711 “To err is human; to forgive, Divine” and Hannah More the poet and abolitionist (born the year after Pope died) wrote words that should challenge every soul “forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits.”

There is no guarantee that a choice to forgive will bring reconciliation, or even be well received. However, there is a great certainty that, regardless of the outcome, the decision to forgive will bring relief to the forgiver’s heart. And who knows, it may wonderfully unlock a surprising joy.